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Description
In just a moment, a flash, a heartbeat, a blink of an eye, she alters . . . her dark side is taking over again. So monstrous, so loathing, so despicable, it consumes her again, but not for the intent to kill. No, it's for hostility toward oneself, caused by guilt . . . extreme guilt.
She wants it all, she strives for it all, all that seems to be right in front of her. But her efforts are pointless. Nobody even knows she's making such attempts; seems that is the biggest failure in itself.
Love, expressing it, cherishing it, practicing it, enjoying it. This is what she is all about, she expresses it all the time to the friends and loved ones she's come to know, yet there is one she has difficulty with . . . It's not because the person is difficult about it, but because she is afraid. She is guilty, and this guilt turns to fear.
She just wants to express her gratitude to said person, the one who has given her the best thing she could ever want, perhaps even more important than what her significant other has given her, or at least that's how it seems to be at this moment. But how is she supposed to do so? She knows she is quite different from said person; perhaps her ways of expressing gratitude are different from what said person is used to. Shouldn't she know, if she has known said person for so long and so well? Well, insecurity and guilt of oneself erases such information.
Just one hug she pleads, just one 'I love you', she strives for, just one 'you're indescribably beautiful', she wants to say, but she is incapable, it seems. After what seems like a lifetime's length of self-doubt, she cannot say/do all of the things she wants to say/do to said person. Everyone else it comes easy, but not to this one. Said person is just that significant to her.
Why does she obsess? Why to this said person? Well, she saved her, she welcomed her to a new world she never knew she'd ever see before, she's learned plenty from said person. Does said person even know she did all this for her? Or was it just pure kindness, nothing special? All the questions running through her head, battling with herself . . . she's had enough, she wants to be stronger, she wants this self-conflict to end, she wants to learn to face her fears and do what she wants to do. She needs help, but she's so afraid to talk about this with anybody, since it's just that strong of a topic to her.
Looks like she didn't need to ask. She has received the help from her 'evil' side, and now her 'evil' side is taking over. She is not influencing her to do wrong, for a change, but is merely shoving despair into her mind. All she can feel now is guilt and self-loathing, she strives to be better, especially for said person, but how can she now that she's been so weakened? How can she express all this? It just seems too impossible.
If only everything could go right, where she could express her love and gratitude, all these heavy emotions, ever so freely. Oh how blissful that would be, oh how happy it would make her . . . but would it make said person happy, too? It's best not to test it, don't want to push said person away after said person has done so much for her when she didn't even deserve it.
Said person is so special to her, it's indescribable. Where to begin? Perhaps let's not, because the love is just too painful at the moment.
EDIT: Hey, everyone. I'm feeling better, though I'm still gonna keep the long-ass description just so I can say I have my feelings written down. I'm terribly sorry if I worried anyone, but the point is I feel better at this moment. I'm allowing comments, but only for commenting on art/writing skill purposes. What happened last night I'm really not ready for talking about just yet. Hope you all understand. c:
Art, Zen, Aku © iZenaku
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© 2014 - 2024 iZenaku
Comments3
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that looks really nice!